My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.