I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
just got my engagement photos
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.