WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.