Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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There’s always that one guy
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Where’s my employee discount too?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.