Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’