Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
You Might Also Like
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
This is true.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
and now we wait
#winning
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”