Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Strangers have the best candy.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim