As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
the three branches of government
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime