When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*