[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Safety first
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.