9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Ok but actually
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.