I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
You Might Also Like
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Beware of the dog..
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?