Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.