Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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we’re dead?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight