Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My safe word is Worcestershire
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me