me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.