Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.