RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.