ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)