I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?