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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.