me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
You Might Also Like
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend