Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The future is now.
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot