Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail