Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.