me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.


The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti


The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.


The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.


Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.


*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*


I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.


I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.