@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

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@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

@Owl_Meat

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

@mejustbeth

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

@charmfoz

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

@AnOrangeSNES

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

@DrunjAF

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@honeybadgerMel

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

@FattMernandez

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

@JakeSocial

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.