I feel it
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*