Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”