I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.