There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first