@UncleDuke1969
@Fred_Delicious The news is so predictable nowadays
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@Fred_Delicious 
@Cornjerker78 [Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
@GlennyRodge Twitter dot com. *sigh*
@mommajessiec Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
@tinytittays Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
@Izianikapani Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
@MrEd_EVH I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
@KateWhineHall 10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@AbeGoldfarb Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
@Swishergirl24 Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.