pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.