Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.