pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.


Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.


Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.


I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s


10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]


Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.