[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.