My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Your honor these allegations are
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on