Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.