My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?