I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?