Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.