If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Still a very good boi….
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.