Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Boom, boom, ching!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
lost dog
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.