My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.