*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.