> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
yeah not falling for this one
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!