Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

😭

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.