Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

This is enough internet for the day.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*