Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me hitting on a model