Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.


[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”


A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor


HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes


A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.