Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.