Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Jesus Christ lmao
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.