My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
The biggest mystery of our time
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated