It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base