‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times