my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?