Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does