[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.