ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat