ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.